Oh life 14.09.2018

I am midway through doing my makeup on this Friday morning. Hair wet, old California baggy jumper on (looking on fleek) but I couldn’t wait any longer to put what has been buzzing about in my brain for a few weeks into words.

This next bit will be hard to write. Shouldn’t have started my makeup yet… Here goes.

On the 22nd of July 2018 my lovely, beautiful Grandma passed away in her bed surrounded by her three loving daughters, my dad and my uncles. She left this world surrounded by love. And my god she was well loved. She is still loved.

Okay that was the hard bit to write. I think.

I still cannot believe she is not with us anymore. I have thought of her everyday since. She is constantly in my mind. Her warm face. Her super soft hands holding mine. Her warm lavender and pink cardigans and her wonderful body shop white musk smell (a body mist my sister would always buy her for birthdays) Gosh I miss that smell.

Emotion is such a huge part of life. It is how we connect with others. Sometimes it is uncontrollable. Sometimes people have trouble expressing it. I have no trouble. I cry at literally everything.

My Grandma’s funeral was an emotionally draining day. I still feel drained from it even now. Correction it was a ‘Celebration of life’. Her life. That sounds more uplifting doesn’t it? What a life she had. A long life filled with years surrounded by family, knitting and love. I spoke at her celebration of life. It felt right to. I would have regretted not saying how much of an impact she had on my life. Through tears and several pauses of not physically being able to get the words out, I managed to read the letter I had written to her. I think it is the one public speaking occasion where you are allowed to be a blubbering mess and not really look at anyone. I did it for her.

Death is devastating. Something we cannot control and that is inevitable for all of us. Sorry that sounded very morbid… but it is isn’t it? I have had a lot of thoughts recently about life and how preciously short it can be. How we can be here one day and gone the next. Just like that. My Nan was a part of our weekly lives. We would have endless meet ups at her little flat and eventually at the home she was welcomed into. I wouldn’t have done anything differently and I am so honoured to have known this strong, independent woman. To now not have that connection with her is upsetting to say the least.

My hair is currently air drying into a bush. Nan would not be impressed! Must apply makeup and sort out the birds nest on my head before I continue…

**Time passes**

Okay…hair and makeup done. Where was I…

So I wanted to write this post about life. Its a funny thing. That is what has been buzzing around my head of recent. How strange life is. How we are here, how we live, how we die. If we were to really think about all of it I think our minds would explode. My mind keeps going to a place. A place where I don’t really want it to go. I keep thinking of my Nan just before she died. What she would have seen, how she would have felt. At peace? I hope that was part of how she felt. My Mum and Aunties had placed a photo of my Grandad and Nanny in front of her so she could look at him. I can’t imagine it. That final release of life. That is such a huge moment. As huge as it is to enter this world. It all leads up to that moment. Everything is let go of and yet remembered and held on to. Loved ones, memories. That is life. That is what is important. How you live it, what sort of person you grow into, who you surround yourself with. This is what will fill your heart.

I have begun to appreciate beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I always think skies with huge stormy clouds and bright orange and yellow sun beams can look very God-like. I am mostly in my car speeding along when I am looking at these sunrises, heading to work at stupid o’clock in the morning. Aretha Franklin blearing out from my speakers and the cold mist hanging over the rolling hills near my house, the warm glow of the sun greets me most mornings and makes me think of my Nan. Hoping that she is witnessing these beautiful views from wherever she is. I think how lucky I am to be in the position I am in. I don’t have a lot of money (no surprise there being an artist!) but the love that surrounds me from the people I have in my life means much more to me than I could ever put into words. I cannot stress enough the importance of seeing people that are important to you. Or telling them that you love them. This isn’t going to last forever. So why wouldn’t you say it.

My attitude towards life has changed so much in the past few years. I totally get the fact we are all on our own journey and we are not going at too slower pace of too faster pace. We are going at our own pace, and if that makes you happy then my god you should keep doing what you are doing. I know life can be no plain sailing, I don’t think it ever is for anyone. We all face battles, some are luckier than others. How you deal with those battles can shape who you are and how you will be remembered. I could have a lot of money and be in a well paid job but I might not be who I am as a person now. I am proud of who I am and how I approach life. It is my approach and it might not be the same as yours or others but it works for me and I can actually say (on the whole excluding some emotional moments!) I am happy. I am alive and living life as best I know how.

I feel I have said a lot in this post. The idea for it has been creating thoughts in my head of what I could say for a couple of months and I haven’t felt ready to type it out or write it down until now. I will probably go away from this and realise I have left something out or forgotten something about my Nan I have wanted to say so may be adding more to it later. But at this moment in time I am glad to have shared these thoughts with you and I hope you can take something away from these words. (If you are still reading thank you for sticking with me!) I want these posts to be about subjects I really care about and think a lot about, as I do think an awful lot!

So I will end this post by raising my well loved ‘moo’ mug full of tea and saying ‘Cheers everybody’ as my lovely Nan always used to do. This is it. This is life. So we better start living it.

Thanks for reading x

Posted in Family, Life, Lifestyle